B-4 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE October 29, 1993

FROM THE HART

'If you loved me you would...' is still with us

Advice on love, relationships, sex and other issues relevant to gays and lesbians

Dear Taylor,

by Taylor Hart

Why do people behave so rudely in the bars? It seems to me that everyone is there just to give each other attitude. Why do gays act this way?

Dear Disgusted,

Disgusted

I certainly agree that people who are rude and insulting are disgusting, but I need to clarify one thing: Not all gay people behave so badly. Do not let the actions of a few influence how you perceive the others. Most gay people are polite, well mannered and generally happy with themselves.

Unfortunately, it's the bitches (both male and female) that get noticed. (Which is why they do it. They need the attention.) People who are insecure about themselves need to put other people down so that they can feel good about themselves. They think that if they put someone else down, then they must be better than that person. People who are secure about themselves do not behave this way. In fact, if you are successful, the last thing you would do is deliberately make enemies by acting rude. If you truly love yourself you are then capable of being kind to others.

I must also add that this is not only a gay issue. Insecure heterosexuals behave just as badly.

My suggestion to you is to just ignore rude people. By not giving them the attention they crave you can take away their power. Without

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an audience, they are nothing.

But should you feel the need to defend yourself, simply reply, "How sad it is that you must put down others to feel good about yourself!" They may try to deny it, but deep down inside they'll know it's true.

Dear Taylor,

Seven months ago I met my current boyfriend. He seems like the perfect man and I love him very much. Everything was fine in our relationship up until a month ago when he started pressuring me into having sex without using a condom.

So far we have exclusively practiced safe sex. But now he claims that he "can't feel anything" when wearing a rubber. He says that since we have been together for six months and neither one of us has gotten sick that it proves we don't have HIV infections. He also tells me that if I really love him I would allow him to screw me without him wearing a rubber.

I don't know what to do. I really love him, and I must admit that the idea of having his penis inside of my body with nothing covering it is very exciting. But the idea of having unprotected sex makes me a little uncomfortable. What should I do?

Dear Columbus,

In Love in Columbus

The idea of having unprotected sex (exchanging body fluids such as semen, vaginal secretions or blood) should make you VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! Unsafe sexual practices can kill you! Period!

Your lover is extremely mistaken in believing that being healthy for six months means that you are not infected with HIV. It is possible that someone infected with the AIDS virus can show no symptoms for up to seven or eight years. After being infected with the virus, it takes three months for the HIV screening test to detect the presence of the virus with 90 percent accuracy. For the test to be 95 percent accurate, it takes a total of six months. So, in theory, if you tested negative (not infected) for HIV after six months of mutual monogamy, it would then be safe to exchange body fluids. Keeping in mind that, at

best, the test is only 95 percent accurate. Some doctors even recommend waiting an additional six months and testing again, just to be sure.

The problem with that theory is that many people get infected thinking they were in an exclusive monogamous relationship when they really were not. Let's face it: Some people cheat and are not sexually loyal. So even if you both test negative after six months of monogamy, the, moment one of you has sex with someone else you run the risk of being infected.

In regards to his not being able to feel anything, I assume he was able to reach orgasm in the past when wearing a rubber. If he had not been able to feel anything, he would have not been able to cum. Today's condoms are very sheer and do not inhibit sexual pleasure.

As far as this columnist is concerned, the only reason to exchange body fluids in this day and age is to have a child. If you are not trying to become impregnated or if becoming pregnant is not even possible, WHY TAKE THE RISK?

Don't let your boyfriend use guilt to try to persuade you into doing something you do not want to do! "If you loved me, you'd do it," is the oldest line in the world! Someone who really loves you would never ask you to do something that could kill you. If he really loved you he would try to guarantee your safety. And please be aware that even using condoms does not guarantee you will not become infected. Because of misuse and structural flaws, condoms are only 90 percent effective in stopping the transmission of the virus.

The other issue here is why you even considered taking this risk. Your personal safety should be your first priority. You should love someone else as much as yourself, not more than yourself. I also think you should find a new boyfriend. Love should never mean risking your life.

For further information regarding AIDS or safer sex, look under "AIDS Services" in the Chronicle's Resource Directory. You can also call the Ohio Dept. of Health AIDS Hotline at 800-332-2437, or nationally, call the Centers for Disease Control HIV and AIDS Hotline (24 hours) at 800-342-2437.

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